Hey guys! I hope you are all having a lovely weekend. This weekend has been pretty lazy for me, speaking as I’ve only left my house for exercise, but I’m trying to accept that taking it easy is okay. It is vital for my body to go on. Today has been a pretty lazy Sunday consisting of watching some videos on Youtube, cleaning my house, contemplating blog posts 😉 , and online shopping. ❤
Anyway, off to the point of this post. For those of you who follow me on Instagram, you would know that this week has been a hard one. I have had a bad body image every single day and felt the urge to restrict (and unfortunately caved in a bit…). I felt down and depressed, and I just feel stuck. It has come to the point where I am infuriated and frustrated with my eating disorder, but I feel like I cannot let go of it. It’s this constant battle between relapse and recovery, giving in or continuing to fight.
The part that frustrates me the most is that I know that I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t want my eating disorder anymore. But I just can’t seem to let go. I don’t feel like I can get rid of it. If I am being honest, I don’t feel like I should either.
So I get the feeling of not wanting my eating disorder but feel the urge to restrict even though I don’t even want to! And I have come to the realization that I can’t continue on with this constant cycle. Restricting, recovering, restricting, then recovering again. I need to be rid of my eating disorder. I need it out of my life. And in order to do that, I need to give recovery my all.
I feel like there is a part missing in my journey to recovery. I hear these people around me telling me to eat and eat and eat and eat some more. I hear people saying that recovery is worth it. But how can I believe them if I don’t even know WHY I believe them? Everybody has their own reasons to recover, as we all lead different lives. Some things that are important to us may not be as significant to others. This is MY journey, and I need to remind myself why I made this choice. So for a bit of self-motivation, here are 9 reasons as to WHY I should recover.
QUICK NOTE: I encourage you ALL to decide why you should recover, but by no means do your reasons have to be the same as mine. We are all different people, therefore our lists may be different, but I thought I would share this in the hopes of inspiring you to do the same. 🙂
REASONS FOR RECOVERY:
1. RUNNING. Something I discovered in the earlier years of my life is that I love running. While I have never been very good with long distances, I have always been fairly quick on my feet. In elementary school, I would race against the world, using this as an outlet of relieving the stress of not being tall enough or not having the new pair of cool shoes. You know, the typical worries of an eight-year old. I would love to be able to run longer distances (and maybe even try out for my new school’s track team..?!), but I can only achieve this if I attain a healthy body through recovery.
2. WEIGHT LIFTING. I have a new-found love for weight lifting. I love feeling stronger, more toned, and just happier overall! I have made quite a lot of progress with my strength-training, and recovery will only help me achieve my goal of getting even stronger.
3. EATING OUT. I love eating out every once in a while. My stomach is very sensitive, so I can’t handle too much restaurant food, but it’s nice to treat myself to a good meal every now and then. There is something about not having to cook; just sitting with my family or friends and enjoying a good meal out. Not necessarily healthy, not exactly “clean”, but definitely good food for the soul.
4. BAKING AND COOKING. I love being in the kitchen. Baking and cooking are hobbies I have more recently discovered, but my fear of foods keeps me away. If I happen to cook, I am tense and focused on calculations. I want to be able to be in the kitchen and relax, cooking and baking food with love. I want to be able focus on the meal, not what is in it.
5. MY FAMILY. It frustrates me how my family is always on my back, making sure I eat and questioning me when I choose to eat something else instead of conquering a fear. I know they don’t trust me, and I know they always fear that I am not eating enough. One time, my mom made cookies and I had but she didn’t believe me, so she had to ask my brother to make sure I did. It’s the little things like this that frustrate me; I don’t want them to worry anymore, and I’m tired of being a concern to them in regards to something as simple as eating.
6. TO STOP LYING. I always lie. I always say, “I’m not hungry,” or, “I’m not in the mood for pizza.” But you know what? Sometimes I am hungry. Sometimes I do want that pizza. I want to be able to fulfill my cravings and eat what I want! I don’t want to lie about how I feel anymore.
7. TO STOP FEELING GUILTY. I should not feel guilty for eating! Eating is a necessity in life. As much as I wish for it to be an option, considering it would make my life much easier, it is not. And I should not feel guilty for enjoying some french toast for breakfast, nor should I feel guilty for having a piece of cake if that is what I truly desire.
8. TO BE HEALTHY. I don’t necessarily mean this in the way I look, but in the way I feel. I am fifteen years old. When I am fifty, I want to be able to be the best that I can be. I want to be healthy; to have working knees, to have healthy joints, and to have a healthy heart. I would also love to have kids in the future! I want to have a family and raise my (hopefully!) future children to be healthy and happy. I can’t do that without a period, without proper nourishment, and especially with a bad mindset and outlook on myself.
9. TO LOVE MY BODY AND MYSELF. From even the earliest of my memories, I have always hated the way I look. I believed my thighs were too big, my nose too large, my hair too frizzy. I used to hate waking up in the morning and looking at my face, coming to the realization that I am and always will be ugly. At the end of the day, all I really wanted was to wake up, look in the mirror, and love the person looking back at me.
I really encourage you all to write out your motives. Remind yourself why you are doing this. Then, remind yourself tomorrow. And the next day. And ultimately for the rest of your life.<3
Recovery For A Better Me 