A Letter To My ED

Hey guys! I hope you have all been kicking ED booty. To be completely honest, I have been having a hard time mentally. I am doing my best to get past this slump, but it’s been a struggle, day in day out. I know it’s been a bit over a week since I have posted, but for some reason every single time I’ve tried to write about something I could not finish it. It’s like I cannot sort out any of my thoughts. I figured that since I have been so frustrated with my ED lately, I would write out exactly how I feel. I have seen the “Letter To My ED” circling around for a while, so I figured I would jump on the bandwagon and try this out. To my surprise, this was sufficiently relieving and made me feel a lot better. Fingers crossed that I can manage to write out an actual post tomorrow, so look forward to that. 🙂

Dear ED,

What have you done to me? How were you capable of making such a huge impact on my life? Why did you have to do this to me?

You have ruined my life. You have demolished my identity. You don’t rule by my desires; it is your way or the highway, except you don’t even provide the latter option. It, essentially, is all about you.

You have taken ownership over me, and you did not even allow me my consent. I am no longer the carefree, youthful, happy girl who ate whatever she wanted when she wanted it. I have no friends, I have destroyed the bond within my family, and I hate myself. You have morphed me into the anorexic one, the only one you allow me to be. It is always about YOU. What YOU want. What YOU think is right for me.

Four years of you in my life. FOUR years, the equivalent of 1,460 days. Throughout the 35,040 hours that you have been allotted, I obeyed you. But at one point, I came to a realization; what have I gotten in return? For starters, you caused me to be detrimental to the beautiful body I was blessed with. I have spent a countless number of hours tearing myself apart and picking out the parts I did not like, the parts that you thought I needed to “change”. In contribution to this, you have also made me isolate myself from every single person in my life. But the biggest winner of all? You made me feel so miserable and worthless that I felt I would rather cease to live than live a life with the body I was given.

In your opinion, being “skinny” equates to a life filled with friends, fun times, and happiness. You made me believe that if I starve myself to the point of emaciation, everyone will be jealous of my “perfect” body. You made me think that living a life by your rules will result in receiving the attention I have been longing for.

But listening to you has been everything but this. Starving myself not only whittled my body away, but it took my soul with it.  The outcome? An emotionless, depressed teenage girl with no idea of the catastrophe she was causing. In other words, I more or less became you. Sure, I received attention, but not the attention I had intended for. The people that I love most in my life expressed their concern constantly, but no matter how many times they would say, “You look thin,” or, “Can you please eat something?”, I always stood by my belief that you were right; I was still not thin enough.

What I have come to realize is that I am not destined to be you. You may have stolen my identity, but you have not nor will you ever steal my life. I refuse to give you that pleasure and satisfaction. I will rid you from my life once and for all, whether you like it or not. Be prepared, because I will put up a fight. In the past, just a taste of a recovered life and I retreated back to my old ways based off of your commands. But this time is different. Ana, I despise you. You will NEVER win. I am done harming my precious body for you. Go ruin your own life for a change. See how it feels.