Dianosed vs. Undiagnosed

It was not until yesterday when I heard the sentence that I believed would validate the struggles I have been experiencing throughout the past year and a half.

“I have diagnosed you with anorexia, the restricting type.”

These words were spoken to me by my therapist, who informed me of my diagnosis and how matters were going to be pursued from then on.

During the worst points of my eating disorder, I never quite grasped the concept that I was among the thousands, possibly even millions, of boys and girls struggling with anorexia. I did not even think twice about having possibly developed an eating disorder; I simply believed that I was destined to diet and lose weight for the rest of my life.

I eventually came to terms with the fact that I had problems with the way I was eating, though only in the slightest, due to the realization that the worry from my family was genuine and not because they wanted me to be “fat”, and I therefore decided to try (emphasis on the word “try”) and join along on this arduous journey of recovery.

However, despite my discovery that I was indeed underweight and unhealthy, I still doubted myself in the back of my mind, my ED constantly reminding me that I was unworthy because I was not a “true anorexic”. So, because my eating disorder felt unsatisfied as a result of a lack of labeling, I still didn’t truly believe that I needed to recover. Be wary that I was fully aware of my issues with eating along with the facts that I lost lots of weight, hadn’t gotten my period for almost a year, and felt weak nearly every second of every day. I longed to hear these words coming out, and I truly believed that I did not deserve recovery due to the fact that I did not receive a diagnosis (and how wrong I was at that).

This hindered my progress in recovery; in fact, most of my relapses were caused by this frustration of not being diagnosed. I heard and read hundreds of stories from those in recovery, and in every single story the person struggling would be told their diagnosis. Thus, I felt obliged to believe that this diagnosis was mandatory in order to deserve recovery. I struggled with this for three or so months into recovery, having this constant debate in my mind of choosing recovery or relapse.

I don’t quite remember when, considering I have been “in recovery” for a little over a year now (I use quotations because I don’t believe I truly gave recovery my all for a good portion of this time), but I do know that I did manage to push past this point. I did lots of research and, after realizing that I fit the criteria of symptoms for anorexia, I pretty much self-diagnosed myself. I was able to progress with recovery, and even reach a state where I considered myself almost-recovered- that is, until the “undiagnosed” thoughts starting creeping back into my mind. I slowly but surely began drifting away from recovery, and hit the stage of relapse, where I suffered a great deal from two slip-ups, the most recent one occurring only a couple of months ago.

It genuinely frustrates me to have to think back on the many “slip-ups” I have fallen into throughout this journey to recovery. I always managed to go through this cycle, beginning with the choice of recovering to increasing, to feeling great, to having a few bad thoughts, to slightly restricting, to having even more awful thoughts, to completely restricting, and starting over again and again.

You might be aware that I only managed opened up to my family regarding my eating disorder only a few months ago, after having enough of these patterns in my life; my mom called to schedule a therapy session soon after. This was my first time seeking medical help, which is what I always wanted because I believed it would make me “deserve” recovery, and yet I still didn’t quite feel worthy enough.

But yesterday, when she told me I was anorexic, I expected a life change. I expected to be disappointed, upset, confused, frustrated- any sort of emotion. However, I was astonished to find that I felt exactly the same as the second before I was aware of my diagnosis. It was at that moment that I realized I knew all along, and although I will be honest and say that hearing my diagnosis made me satisfied for about a second, my disorder reacted to this by displaying a new distorted thought into my mind immediately out of fear that I would begin to part ways with it.

Your eating disorder is an ENEMY, and it is vital to constantly remind yourself of this. An eating disorder DOES NOT care for you or your body; its only priority is to make you hate yourself.

Here is my message to you: diagnosis does not and should not change ANYTHING. And neither should weight, BMI, hospitalization, etc. If you are aware that food is an issue, whether it be malnutrition, excessive eating, or any “abnormal” eating for that matter, that right there is a good enough reason to seek help! It will only be detrimental to you and your body to wait it out until you are “sick enough”, because you will never reach that point of satisfaction with an eating disorder. Although you may think otherwise, you know your body and your mind unlike anybody else, and despite what anyone thinks, if you believe that you have an eating disorder TELL SOMEONE. I guarantee you that, as long as you inform somebody that truly cares about you and someone who you deem trustworthy, you can recover from this. The thoughts will only get worse with time, so it is vital that you take initiative and prevent them from taking over your life. ❤

“Gaining weight will make me fat.”

See the title of this post? This statement is completely, most utterly, inexplicably bogus.

Like many others recovering, I always associated weight gain with becoming “fat”. I must hold myself accountable for part of this belief; in fact, I never quite understood how underweight I truly was, and I thought it unfair that of all of the thin people in the world, I was put upon the burden of weight gain. But eating disorder thoughts aside, I do feel that there is another major component that lead me to this irrational fear, and that, my friends, is SOCIETY.

I have recently discovered through my therapy sessions that fears are essentially brought upon ourselves through a reflection of something in our lives. In example, I have a phobia of bugs, cockroaches in particular. My mother also has a fear of cockroaches, as does the rest of my family. At a young age, my mother exposed me to her fear, and, as a result, I have obtained it as one of my own.

In my opinion, I believe that due to society’s current obsession with dieting and weight loss, it is inevitable for us to dread weight gain. There is always another method of weight loss, another source to make it possible for us to achieve the “perfect bikini body”. There are loads of different products to try out, ranging from meal-supplement shakes to dieting pills. Likewise, loads of fad diets circle the internet, from juice cleanses to going Paleo. The social media “body revelations” that, guaranteed, will make us live happier lives don’t quite help with the situation.

Throughout my recovery journey, I have always been skeptical about weight gain. In the back of my mind I knew that everyone in society was trying to lose weight, and I felt that I didn’t measure up to the standards of society. I wanted to join in on losing weight to have the ultimate “perfect body”. But in retrospect, I have come to the conclusion that this body (along with the life that comes along with it) is entirely unattainable. Because how in the world is it possible to be content with the way we look if we are starving ourselves away in order to achieve what we deem as perfect? How is that behavior not going to be sabotage our mindset?

The answer is that it is inevitable. There is absolutely no way for our bodies to properly register our thoughts if it has no energy. Let’s delve into some science for a moment. You know what food is? Energy. Well, in actuality, it’s not entirely energy. Food is food, but once transmitted into our digestive tract, it becomes energy. In fact, food is our main supplier of energy. It fuels our body, allows us to develop, and, most importantly, allows us to use our brains! Without food, our brains are practically useless.

At my worst, I could not concentrate on anything regarding school, my family, or my friends. I completely isolated myself away from my previous identity, making this “diet” my one and only priority. It eventually consumed me. I could not even watch a show on Netflix without getting distracted, or read an entire page of a book without rereading a paragraph over and over again. If I could hardly even participate in such low effort pastimes without the thought of being thin, how would it be possible to stop thinking and come to the realization that I have exceeded the views of society? That, in reality, I have damaged my body to the point of emaciation?

Getting back to the point of this post, let me address my previous association with weight gain to fat. The fact is that an underweight person will not ultimately become overweight. Point in case. It sounds so simple, right? However, I have only recently managed to come to this realization after almost a year in recovery.

From The Biggest Loser to the early morning infomercials, photos and stories of overweight civilians who have lost weight and restored a normal, healthy body are constantly being advertised. Key words: NORMAL and HEALTHY. And just as an overweight person that loses weight looks normal and healthy, an underweight person that gains weight will ultimately look normal and healthy. Distorted body image is obviously another topic, and I will hopefully write another post in future regarding this issue. However, once you have come to the realization that you are underweight, or even underfed at a healthy weight, some reassurance can be very beneficial. What I failed to realize throughout the depths of my eating disorder is that there is a happy medium, and it is indeed possible to reach the point of health and happiness. Note that when I say this, I mean personal health and happiness. Because what society happens to forget is that every single person is different, our bodies alike.

You know what I believe? Screw society, and focus on YOU. What are your thoughts/opinions? Comment them below 🙂

A Letter To My ED

Hey guys! I hope you have all been kicking ED booty. To be completely honest, I have been having a hard time mentally. I am doing my best to get past this slump, but it’s been a struggle, day in day out. I know it’s been a bit over a week since I have posted, but for some reason every single time I’ve tried to write about something I could not finish it. It’s like I cannot sort out any of my thoughts. I figured that since I have been so frustrated with my ED lately, I would write out exactly how I feel. I have seen the “Letter To My ED” circling around for a while, so I figured I would jump on the bandwagon and try this out. To my surprise, this was sufficiently relieving and made me feel a lot better. Fingers crossed that I can manage to write out an actual post tomorrow, so look forward to that. 🙂

Dear ED,

What have you done to me? How were you capable of making such a huge impact on my life? Why did you have to do this to me?

You have ruined my life. You have demolished my identity. You don’t rule by my desires; it is your way or the highway, except you don’t even provide the latter option. It, essentially, is all about you.

You have taken ownership over me, and you did not even allow me my consent. I am no longer the carefree, youthful, happy girl who ate whatever she wanted when she wanted it. I have no friends, I have destroyed the bond within my family, and I hate myself. You have morphed me into the anorexic one, the only one you allow me to be. It is always about YOU. What YOU want. What YOU think is right for me.

Four years of you in my life. FOUR years, the equivalent of 1,460 days. Throughout the 35,040 hours that you have been allotted, I obeyed you. But at one point, I came to a realization; what have I gotten in return? For starters, you caused me to be detrimental to the beautiful body I was blessed with. I have spent a countless number of hours tearing myself apart and picking out the parts I did not like, the parts that you thought I needed to “change”. In contribution to this, you have also made me isolate myself from every single person in my life. But the biggest winner of all? You made me feel so miserable and worthless that I felt I would rather cease to live than live a life with the body I was given.

In your opinion, being “skinny” equates to a life filled with friends, fun times, and happiness. You made me believe that if I starve myself to the point of emaciation, everyone will be jealous of my “perfect” body. You made me think that living a life by your rules will result in receiving the attention I have been longing for.

But listening to you has been everything but this. Starving myself not only whittled my body away, but it took my soul with it.  The outcome? An emotionless, depressed teenage girl with no idea of the catastrophe she was causing. In other words, I more or less became you. Sure, I received attention, but not the attention I had intended for. The people that I love most in my life expressed their concern constantly, but no matter how many times they would say, “You look thin,” or, “Can you please eat something?”, I always stood by my belief that you were right; I was still not thin enough.

What I have come to realize is that I am not destined to be you. You may have stolen my identity, but you have not nor will you ever steal my life. I refuse to give you that pleasure and satisfaction. I will rid you from my life once and for all, whether you like it or not. Be prepared, because I will put up a fight. In the past, just a taste of a recovered life and I retreated back to my old ways based off of your commands. But this time is different. Ana, I despise you. You will NEVER win. I am done harming my precious body for you. Go ruin your own life for a change. See how it feels.

9 Reasons to Recover

Hey guys! I hope you are all having a lovely weekend. This weekend has been pretty lazy for me, speaking as I’ve only left my house for exercise, but I’m trying to accept that taking it easy is okay. It is vital for my body to go on. Today has been a pretty lazy Sunday consisting of watching some videos on Youtube, cleaning my house, contemplating blog posts 😉 , and online shopping. ❤

Anyway, off to the point of this post. For those of you who follow me on Instagram, you would know that this week has been a hard one. I have had a bad body image every single day and felt the urge to restrict (and unfortunately caved in a bit…). I felt down and depressed, and I just feel stuck. It has come to the point where I am infuriated and frustrated with my eating disorder, but I feel like I cannot let go of it. It’s this constant battle between relapse and recovery, giving in or continuing to fight.

The part that frustrates me the most is that I know that I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t want my eating disorder anymore. But I just can’t seem to let go. I don’t feel like I can get rid of it. If I am being honest, I don’t feel like I should either.

So I get the feeling of not wanting my eating disorder but feel the urge to restrict even though I don’t even want to! And I have come to the realization that I can’t continue on with this constant cycle. Restricting, recovering, restricting, then recovering again. I need to be rid of my eating disorder. I need it out of my life. And in order to do that, I need to give recovery my all.

I feel like there is a part missing in my journey to recovery. I hear these people around me telling me to eat and eat and eat and eat some more. I hear people saying that recovery is worth it. But how can I believe them if I don’t even know WHY I believe them? Everybody has their own reasons to recover, as we all lead different lives. Some things that are important to us may not be as significant to others. This is MY journey, and I need to remind myself why I made this choice. So for a bit of self-motivation, here are 9 reasons as to WHY I should recover.

QUICK NOTE: I encourage you ALL to decide why you should recover, but by no means do your reasons have to be the same as mine. We are all different people, therefore our lists may be different, but I thought I would share this in the hopes of inspiring you to do the same. 🙂

REASONS FOR RECOVERY:

1. RUNNING. Something I discovered in the earlier years of my life is that I love running. While I have never been very good with long distances, I have always been fairly quick on my feet. In elementary school, I would race against the world, using this as an outlet of relieving the stress of not being tall enough or not having the new pair of cool shoes. You know, the typical worries of an eight-year old. I would love to be able to run longer distances (and maybe even try out for my new school’s track team..?!), but I can only achieve this if I attain a healthy body through recovery.

2. WEIGHT LIFTING. I have a new-found love for weight lifting. I love feeling stronger, more toned, and just happier overall! I have made quite a lot of progress with my strength-training, and recovery will only help me achieve my goal of getting even stronger.

3. EATING OUT. I love eating out every once in a while. My stomach is very sensitive, so I can’t handle too much restaurant food, but it’s nice to treat myself to a good meal every now and then. There is something about not having to cook; just sitting with my family or friends and enjoying a good meal out. Not necessarily healthy, not exactly “clean”, but definitely good food for the soul.

4. BAKING AND COOKING. I love being in the kitchen. Baking and cooking are hobbies I have more recently discovered, but my fear of foods keeps me away. If I happen to cook, I am tense and focused on calculations. I want to be able to be in the kitchen and relax, cooking and baking food with love. I want to be able focus on the meal, not what is in it.

5. MY FAMILY. It frustrates me how my family is always on my back, making sure I eat and questioning me when I choose to eat something else instead of conquering a fear. I know they don’t trust me, and I know they always fear that I am not eating enough. One time, my mom made cookies and I had but she didn’t believe me, so she had to ask my brother to make sure I did. It’s the little things like this that frustrate me; I don’t want them to worry anymore, and I’m tired of being a concern to them in regards to something as simple as eating.

6. TO STOP LYING. I always lie. I always say, “I’m not hungry,” or, “I’m not in the mood for pizza.” But you know what? Sometimes I am hungry. Sometimes I do want that pizza. I want to be able to fulfill my cravings and eat what I want! I don’t want to lie about how I feel anymore.

7. TO STOP FEELING GUILTY. I should not feel guilty for eating! Eating is a necessity in life. As much as I wish for it to be an option, considering it would make my life much easier, it is not. And I should not feel guilty for enjoying some french toast for breakfast, nor should I feel guilty for having a piece of cake if that is what I truly desire.

8. TO BE HEALTHY. I don’t necessarily mean this in the way I look, but in the way I feel. I am fifteen years old. When I am fifty, I want to be able to be the best that I can be. I want to be healthy; to have working knees, to have healthy joints, and to have a healthy heart. I would also love to have kids in the future! I want to have a family and raise my (hopefully!) future children to be healthy and happy. I can’t do that without a period, without proper nourishment, and especially with a bad mindset and outlook on myself.

9. TO LOVE MY BODY AND MYSELF. From even the earliest of my memories, I have always hated the way I look. I believed my thighs were too big, my nose too large, my hair too frizzy. I used to hate waking up in the morning and looking at my face, coming to the realization that I am and always will be ugly. At the end of the day, all I really wanted was to wake up, look in the mirror, and love the person looking back at me.

I really encourage you all to write out your motives. Remind yourself why you are doing this. Then, remind yourself tomorrow. And the next day. And ultimately for the rest of your life.<3

“I’m not sick enough.”

These past few days have been mentally exhausting, to say the least. I cannot even describe the amount of tears I have shed, the amount of screams that have escaped my mouth, this beast that I have become. I cannot explain the unfathomable, inexplicable thoughts that reside in the back of my mind, nor can I explain the feeling of cowardice that occurs when they start up again with their constant shouts.

“I was never sick enough.”

A few weeks ago, my mother was on a search for a therapist that could meet with me regarding my eating disorder, specifically one that accepts our insurance. Be wary that at this time I was at one of my lowest points, suffering from yet another relapse. We could only find one, but my mom left a voice mail and they had not returned her call back, that is until yesterday. After a bit of discussion, they arranged an appointment scheduled for tomorrow at four in the afternoon.

Although I should have been pleased that fate was sending me signs that I can get better, instead I felt this anxiety creeping up inside of me. I am not underweight anymore, nor do I look emaciated anymore. On average, I am eating a fairly normal amount of calories every single day. Signs are pointing to the fact that I am normal, right? As a result, I couldn’t help the thoughts pondering in my mind of the fact that when this woman sees me, she won’t believe me when I tell her that I am struggling with an eating disorder.

In that moment, I thought of restricting and eating meager amounts of food to “shed some weight” before the appointment. I was ready for it, already planning out ways to cut from my intake.

Yet due to my conscience, I was brought to a realization; just the fact that I acted in this behavior goes to show how disordered my state of mind truly is.

Although I hate to admit it, I have lately found myself comparing my story to others recovering on Instagram (I do want to write an actual post on comparison and how detrimental it is to recovery). When I hear about what people have been through, and read the low numbers in their bios, the eating disorder manipulated part of my mind goes on tallying the numbers, saying, “I didn’t get sick enough because I haven’t ever been hospitalized while she has been three times,” or, “My BMI wasn’t ever that low, so I don’t really need help.” However in actuality, there is no set point where we can finally say that we are “anorexic enough” to treat ourselves to the road of recovery. We cannot, nor will we ever, feel as though we are sick enough.

We live in a society that, and it pains me to say this, has suffered a great deal from eating disorders. In fact, the percentage of young girls and boys diagnosed with eating disorders has significantly increased over the past five years. There perpetually will always be somebody thinner, somebody with a lower BMI, and somebody eating less than us, at least in our disordered perspectives. But should this grant us “permission” to begin recovery? Will we ever be able to “gratify” our needs as anorexics?

Ultimately, the prize of this competition for the “best anorexic” will have to be death, because in the end that is the destination that the road of an eating disorder will lead us to. You do not have to be underweight, you do not have to be hospitalized, and you do not under any circumstances have to reach a dangerously low BMI to have an eating disorder. An eating disorder is an illness that not only affects the body, but the mind. It amazes me how I have been eating more than ever in recovery, but I have a worse mentality than I did eating way less at an unhealthy weight. Our minds don’t necessarily change just because our bodies and caloric intakes have.

What I am aware of is that I don’t know how to progress in recovery. I need the guidance to pursue this recovered life that I have always dreamed of, and that should be a good enough reason for me to seek it.

My question for you is to please ask for help if you need it. Do not ever think, just do. Schedule the appointment and take a deep breath. You can do this; each and every one of you deserves recovery, and there is no doubt about it. ❤